i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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