So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
