My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
