She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
