Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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