Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
