Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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