Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
