Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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