Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
