Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
