I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
