Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
