peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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