I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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