I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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