Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
