I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
