I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
