Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
