I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
