i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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