remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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