Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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