I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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