If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
