Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
