just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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