the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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