Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
