Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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