I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
