I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
