If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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