i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
