i already hear my dad disowning me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
