I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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