alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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