Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
