I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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