I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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