Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
