I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
