I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
