I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
