I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
