You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
