My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
