your room smells of hookers.
And success
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
