I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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