dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
